


Just Desserts - Revenge is a dish that is best served cold

by donprisciotte (sorcio)



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Bake Off AU, Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, the accents are keysmashed as per usual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:00:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27567130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorcio/pseuds/donprisciotte
Summary: There is only one way for military professionals to end the Charon vs Freelancer war and to discover each other's heinous war crimes: see what the other's cooking...Literally.Crack canon divergence where Charon Industries and Project Freelancer devolve into a baking competition.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	Just Desserts - Revenge is a dish that is best served cold

**Author's Note:**

> It MAY be 2 am as I post this.

Connie drummed her fingers on the armour plate on her thigh as she sat in the waiting room. She was nervous, really nervous, why were they taking so long?

The Insurrectionist Leader – affectionately known as Pillman for his poor lifestyle choices – in return, was worried about her. He knew this was very important, but now that she was only slightly short of pitching a goddamn tent outside Hargrove’s office, he figured that this was too much.

“Connie...It will be okay. You should get some  rest, you can’t come here every day. The boss hardly ever shows up anyway, I’ve talked to him maybe three times and I have known him for years.”

“But this is important. It’s been a week, I have to know what they’re going to do with that information, I can’t stand the idea of the Director getting away with his crimes any longer.”

“I know, but I doubt we will get news about the deal anytime s--”

Not even the time to finish the sentence, the intercom switched on with a loud screech. Malcolm Hargrove’s  _ lovely _ accent was audible in the announcement despite the audio quality reminding of the sound of sandpaper:

“ Fwreelawnsa Counnitikidt,  yoo awr requoiuhd chu shou up  ahtt moi awffez .  Yoo haff  foive menetz .” 

“See?” she smirked as she got up “I knew it would be worth the wait.”

“Guess you were right.” he shrugged “Let me know how it goes.”

“Sure.”

She took a deep breath and headed to Hargrove’s disgustingly fancy office, with everything either gold plated or covered in the most expensive red fabric available – good to see that  unlike some four eyed bearded danger noodle he had commitment to the colour palette, but damn – and a flag of the UK because if there was anything that remained unchanged in such uncertain times that was the presence of British assholes colonizing shit. It was almost admirable. 

“You wanted to see me, sir?”

“Oh,  pliss . Coull me  Chaaeman .” he pointed to his  brand new plaque on his desk, a title totally not earned through bribery-and-or-murder. “ Tzaeke aw seeedt.”

She nodded and sat.

“Well?”

“ Weull ...Oi  wos dzippley disoppointzid boi thaw  intzeul yew provoided.” the old man clasped his hands together “There wear nou minchunz off Ae-Oi ahs yew claymt.”

“How?! I checked the file personally! There was information about the illegal experiments,  _ tons _ of information!”

“Then  Oi’m ofreidju gave us thaw wrong foile.” he curled his nose “Oithauh thatt or  itt gott curroptzid .  Oull itt sez –  oull wecch es  sawvojubol att lieestd –  ees thatt there  haz bayn equippmint misjoos .”

“Exactly! The Beta, the fragments, the whole  leaderboard system...! It’s obvious that the Director is cooking up something!”

“Huh...” he got up, walking back and forth as he thought about it “ Cookking op  sumfayn , yew sae?”

“Yeah.”

“Cum tzu  thenk ubotitt ,  Sharrey dzieed speek chu  Agint Oiowo , who  maenchindt severul fawyous yin thaw kitchinn.”

“Who? Iowa of the triplets? That’s because he always--”

“Ah! Oi  dzun’t wawnchu heeuh yoar eggskiussis ,  Counstance .” he shood her with his hand “Wee  wiull taest the  kitcchin iquipmmint off thaw  Mawthaw ovinvinctiun .  Ieff thaw  Dzirectah isunt cayepubol off  handlayn hez kietchinn ,  shorely he  ayz nott kepubbol off  handlen aw  meelichray prougrahm .”

“Shouldn’t we focus on the  _ war crimes _ instead of the kitchen?”

“ Yew awr thaw won who  sed hiee ez cukkin up somthayn.”

Connie stared at him in pure disbelief for a second.

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“ Dzont worraye ,  deear Counstance . Oi haff  alreadtay set op thaw  bakeing cumpetisshun .”

“The baking comp--” she was about to repeat incredulously “With all due respect, sir, HAVE YOU GONE SENILE?!”

“Nott  aht oll . Yew  awr wael owea thatt thaw  mahn loikes chu  mayke up  eggsckiusis tzu  ilood cunchrollz . Eff thaw ship  dus nott respact thaw  noahms ,  fuhthuh investigesshun wiul be  requoiuhd AHNDT Prawdjikt  Freelawnså shawl bae  awbsoahdzid boi Korrun Enjuschres ef .  Espashullaye ef won of  owo cahndzedaytes happens chu wen. Thaw  fyoocha off thaw  golloxaye dipandz oun thes .  Dzu nott dzessuppoint mae.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...Ugh. I’m  gonna get my cookbook.”

  
In the span of a few days, the event was organized. Charon sent their best candidates: Connie, Pillman, Girlie, Demo, the Sleeveless soldier, the main sniper, Sharkface and two new mercenaries named Felix and Locus. The Director had picked his candidates directly from the leaderboard: Texas, Carolina, York, North, South, Washington, Maine, Florida and Wyoming. Not that the group from Charon wasn’t picked based on military skill rather than cooking abilities, but he clearly didn’t bother to think his decision through. 

The idiot could have at least had the decency to delegate this to Bravo Team if he really thought he had better stuff to do, but to be fair Hargrove was adamant on him recruiting his best soldiers for this endeavour. If Connie ever agreed with him on something, it was this, it was the fact that this was absolute bullshit...But who knew, maybe it could work. He was going to go down...Episode by episode, cake by cake. Revenge truly was a dish best served cold. She spotted him at the judges’ table, chatting with the  Counselor who greeted her nonchalantly:

“Hello, Agent Connecticut. It’s good to see you.”

“ _ I wish I could say the same,  _ _ Counselor _ _. _ ” she replied immediately, tongue sharp as one of the knives that she totally wasn’t hiding under her apron “May I speak to the Director in private?”

“Of course.” he gave her the smuggest smile as he complied. Then the Director rolled his eyes.

“Git yin  lahn , Cunnediket, Ah haev pleneh  awv praektesses tuh tayke caer awf .”

“I’m sure you are,  _ sir _ . Practises like constant mistreatment and torture, I’m guessing.”

“ Sahndz lahk you  haev uh  prawblum wyeth et.” he frowned, squinty eyes and disgusted tone paired with his response.

“Maybe so. I know what you did, and sure, the data file was damaged and I couldn’t provide evidence of the torture, but it’s only a matter of time before they find out and they are not going to like what they see. If the Chairman has a problem with it, then  _ you _ are going to have a problem.”

“Datz  vareh entrestin ’,  buht fo ’  yoah yinfuhmayeshun , Ah am won  awf da  juhdgeez .” the frown turned into a grimace of contempt and then into an evil smirk as he leaned in to match Connie’s height and look at her in the eyes “ _ Ah’ll _ __ _ sho _ _ u  _ _ toarchure _ .”


End file.
